The theory of attachment has a longstanding history, initially its main focus was on the study of mother-child relationships.
„Some authors claimed that attachment develops at a very early age – within the first 18 months,“ Straukė explains.
Although attachment is formed at a very early age, it profoundly influences the choice of future partners, friends, and establishing bonds with people in general. It is often romantic relationships in particular that encourages individuals to scrutinize their differences in understanding the concept of relationship, the ideal amount of time to spend together, and the need for personal space.
„The type of attachment is the reason why one partner may tend to withdrawn, while the other partner seeks intense, strong contact, deep connections. Neither inclination is inherently negative, but these differences often cause problems in the relationship,“ the expert reveals.
Secure and insecure attachment – what are the main differences?
Secure attachment is formed when parents demonstrate sensitivity to their infant’s needs – when the baby cries, the mother promptly responds, showing love and offering reassurance. In this way, an emotional bond is formed and the infant learns to trust that parents or caregivers provide security needed. This particular sense of security leads to the child’s further desire to explore the world, to not be afraid to explore, and multiple researches show that it also has positive learning outcomes.
Adults with secure attachment style feel equally comfortable both being alone and with a partner. In a relationship, they do not have problems regarding issues of freedom or attention from their partner.
In contrast, insecure attachment is formed when parents fail to give sufficient time and attention to their child, because are too engaged in their own conflicts or for other external factors.
„There used to be a saying: „Don’t attend your crying child, because you will spoil him or her“. And mothers tried to withhold attention in order for the child not to get used to it. Such misconception of motherhood and fatherhood automatically created an insecure attachment in the child,“ explains the psychologist-psychotherapist.
In a relationship, an individual with insecure attachment often anticipates controlling the situation, having sufficient freedom, do not feeling entrapped by their partner. Individuals with this type of attachment may hesitate to start relationships due to desire for unlimited freedom, or, conversely, they may be looking for a person just for a compnany, for someone to calm him or her down and provide reassurance and stability.
Insecure attachment falls into two subtypes: avoidant-insecure and anxious-insecure.
Avoidant attachment is one of the extremes of insecure attachment, which develops when the nervous system appears to suppress any need for human connection.
„In some cases, when the baby has unmet needs due to parental issues, or because the parents are working and the child is cared for by a nanny or other caretakers, the child’s nervous system may make a decision to shut down any need for attachment – it is some kind of survival mode in order to adapt and survive. It is a natural response, as if longing for connection has been deactivated, meaning that the child has to balance himself/herself without the help of other people,“ says Straukė.
When a parent returns home, the child does not eagerly seek attention, but instead manages his or her emotions independently. That is how an avoidant type of attachment looks like. An individual with this type of attachment may appear withdrawn, distant and emotionally unavailable. Such individuals usually prioritize personal space, freedom, and independence, perceiving others as potential threats to their autonomy.
„Although individuals with an avoidant attachment pattern may have that need for connection hidden very deeply, it may be suppressed due to past experiences. There is a tendency to retreat to the security of solitude, because such individual has never experienced the joy of attachment as a child and I had to manage independently. This avoidance tendency often persists into adulthood,“ she explains.
Such individuals may have many friends and interact with many different people, but their connections are superficial, and when a problem arises, they suddenly realise having no one to call and confide in. In this case, it becomes crucial to assess whether there is at least one genuine friend whom to trust completely in times of need.
The other extreme of insecure attachment is anxious attachment. Individuals who have developed such attachment seek constant reassurance from others. Although parents may be very caring and attentive, if that attention is inconsistent, an attachment develops characterized by uncertainty and unpredictability.
„In a relationship, such individual looks for reassurance in his or her partner. If the partner comes back angry or sad because something happened at work, the anxious partner will be asking constantly: „Are you sure it’s not because of me? Are you sure we are Ok?“ He or she will need multiple confirmations that everything is really okay. Moreover, individuals with anxious attachment struggle even with short periods of solitude, such as during business trips, often seeking constant communication through calls or text messages to ensure everything is fine. They are genuinely very caring,“ adds the psychologist/psychotherapist.
The main challenge for such people is that they invest too much of themselves in the relationship. When they fall in love, their tend to neglect work and social connections.
Disorganised attachment – rare and posing the most significant difficulties
Sometimes individuals may have both secure and insecure attachments. What does this mean? In one situation, such individual may push the other away, while in other situations struggle for intimacy and reassurance. The tricky part is that in a relationship the partner cannot predict how the person will behave in one situation or another.
Can attachment style be changed?
It is very rare for both partners to share the same types of attachment. And such disparity presents a great challenge, because two people with different attachment types may understand things completely differently. Fortunately, through mutual understanding and respect for each other’s needs, couples navigate these differences and achieve positive outcomes.
„It is mostly about how such individuals manage to get along, respect one’s needs,“ observes Straukė.
What is the most important thing for parents whose children’s attachment is still in the phase of development?
As attachment starts developing at a very early age, it is crucial to recognize that certain mistakes parents make can have a significant impact how their child will later bond with other people. While it is probably impossible to avoid mistakes altogether, there are a number of aspects that must be considered.
„The most important thing is to be responsive: don’t say „don’t cry“ or „don’t be angry“. Allow the child to feel emotions, help to understand them, accept them, and then fulfil the role of a nurturing, guiding and instructive parent,“ advises Straukė.
As one of the child’s fundamental needs is freedom to express emotions openly, it is very important to let him or her do so. Another important need is parent’s guidance, setting boundaries and lessons of self-control.
„Simultaneously, parents should teach the child autonomy. And one of the most important needs is security. That is, the child should know what to expect from his or her parents: how they react when angry, upset, how respond to wrongdoing, when offer attention. The child should feel assured that Mum or Dad will be there in times of need, that they are available to talk to, that they help and not criticise,“ adds the psychotherapist.